Strange Apple's Blog

Archive for August 2010

Helpless, useless, not good enough.

I can’t say that it’s solely to do with L’s bipolar, it’s probably more of an overall parental thing, but the bipolar really makes me see it/feel it/be it. Helpless.

I try so hard to help, to get him into the right doctors, to see the right people, to make things easier with school, to sort out life’s problems. To stand by him. To be there for him. To listen to him.

I feel so bad when it doesn’t work, or it doesn’t help. Sometimes I back off, feeling like I’m doing too much, involving myself too much, but that makes me feel bad too.

What is the right thing to do? When should I be involved and when should I back off?

He’s never been good with taking medications, but if I remind him to take them, I cop attitude. If I don’t remind him, then his mood suffers and we all suffer. I cop shit if I help him, I cop shit if I don’t. It’s a no win situation.

It hurts.


That’s how I feel at the moment.

I think it’s L’s mood that has rubbed off on me.

I was on a high this morning, we took C to a plastic surgeon for a second opinion on his scar revision and the surgeon was impressed with what had been done (loooong story, that one, maybe I’ll put that on here soon). I hadn’t realised it before, but I was feeling a bit anxious about the appointment, so having another surgeon say that what had been done so far is fantastic and a significant improvement on the original scar, was really uplifting. Big sigh of relief and a weight off my mind. His opinion was the same as our other surgeon, leave the scar as is until he’s a teen, or fully grown.

Then we went shopping and bought a DSI XL for C’s birthday, picked up the birthday cake, took him for a haircut (and the scar is barely noticeable with this haircut, so bonus points to the hairdresser). Oh yeah, and I bought 3 new pairs of gloves.

Then we came home. L was still in bed and he was in a mood. It’s his band’s last gig tonight, and he has a psych appointment this afternoon. Because L drives my station wagon and it’s a big car, a heap of his friends want him to give them a lift to the gig. We figure out that we should take two cars to the psych appointment and pack the drums in the station wagon now because he’ll have to go straight from the appointment to the gig. L rings his friends and says that they’ll have to leave half hour earlier because he has an appointment. Now, no one wants to travel in with him because it’s not convenient. His best mate, who has his licence and his own car had said that he wanted to travel in with L “for old times sake.” Don’t they understand how this is going to make him feel?

Turns out that his lithium levels were fine, and the hospital were aware of that at about midnight, they just forgot to tell us.

He was given some medication for his headache which eased it a little. I started googling bipolar and headache, bipolar and migraine etc and what do you know, but it’s quite common to suffer from headaches when you have bipolar. Having a mother who suffers from migraines probably does not help either. Reading up a bit more on it, and it’s even more common when you have a lack of sleep, and are under stress.

Well… L is currently not sleeping, won’t take the seroquel (he doesn’t like the way it makes him feel the next day) and is in the middle of his trial exams, and his band is breaking up.

L has been driving my car this week, and I’ve been driving my Mum’s old car. When I got into my car yesterday, there is a script for Melatonin on the passenger seat. Questioning L about this – the psych prescribed this for him and he can’t remember why. Back to google. Oh, what’s this? Melatonin helps with sleeping. Melatonin can also help with headaches.

*sigh* I wish I knew this yesterday.

So today I went to the chemist but because the psych had prescribed 3mg Melatonin they had to send me to a compounding chemist. Lucky I’d taken the day off work and had plenty of time for all the running around.

L has had some sleep today, and I just took a Melatonin capsule in to him. I copped a mouthful. Niiiiice. Love you too buddy.

I wish that he wanted to be well.

I’m typing from the hospital at 5am. We’ve just hit the 11 hour mark.

L has had a headache for a few days, and it was unbearable last night. His lithium results weren’t available at his psych appointment on Friday, so with the added symptom of blurred vision, we decided to go up to the emergency room.

And here we sit. And wait…

I’m posting from the train 🙂 I’d really like to send a care package to my friend in hospital.

So far I have:
2 shawls/wraps (the trendy name escapes me at this hour of the morning). Her arm was injured in the accident and I thought the wraps would be easier for her to use than a dressing gown.

I’ve been unable to find purple slippers, so was going to get some purple Holeproof Explorers to keep her feet warm in hospital and just because they’re purple!

I’m also thinking of including – a crystal/stone, a ferret drawing (might sound odd, but it’s so very her), maybe a small Lego pack for each of her boys when they visit her in hospital…

What else? I don’t want it to be a “you’re sick, here’s things for sick people” type of package. I want it to be more of “here’s some things to show I’m thinking of you and I care about you” type of gift.

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Posted on: August 1, 2010

One of the reasons I hadn’t updated my blog – a friend had a very bad car accident.

I’d think about blogging, and I could only imagine typing sad things. Which I suppose is fine, the idea of this blog is to get my emotions out there. Admit to them. But this lady, let’s call her P2, is a fantastic person. And she gets what my son is going through. And one day I want to share this blog with her, and I don’t want her to see the sadness or the rawness of how I felt when I heard she might not make it.

I’m in a bit better place now, and so is she. She’s going to make it. Things will be tough for her, but she has wonderful people around her who are all cheering her on.

All I can do from far away is think positive thoughts, and look for purple slippers for her. I wish I could do more. I hope she knows that.

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  • None
  • strangeapple: I don't like to fail, and I feel like I've failed. I think that's what it is. Big knock to my ego. I saw a psych the other week, she made sense, p
  • strangeapple: Holy fuck, I had a doctors appointment this evening that I didn't go to. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
  • corymbia: I do the stiff upper lip thing too. Was worried I was slipping into bona-fide depression last week, but as is usually the case with me... the bad stu