Strange Apple's Blog

Why can’t I be happy?

Posted on: May 15, 2011

Friday at work, I had a run in with one of the staff. It all worked out OK, I was as cool calm and collected as I could be, and I think we discussed the matter maturely and I felt good about it after our discussion.

Except, I have been dwelling on work matters all weekend. Friday night, about an hour after I got home I started really feeling like shit. Self doubt and loathing. I remembered my doctor telling me that on the “bad hair days” (god love him, I do think that’s a funny way of putting it) that I could take a certain tablet. Do you think I could frigging remember what tablet that was? All I can remember is that it was something that my son had been prescribed that he no longer takes, so I thought, well at least I don’t have to spend money getting a prescription filled.

Friday night I’m sitting on the lounge with my laptop, surrounded my tablets trying to figure out which one it was. I thought it was small, round and white. I’ve got square pink tablets, round pink tablets, small round white tablets that don’t actually look like what I remembered. So I start googling. Meh… I decide to take a Zyprexa, as my husband looks on worried. I tell him to remember which one I took in case I have to go to hospital. Yeah, I’m sure that put his mind at ease. I wait and wait and wait for the fuzzy sleepy feeling to hit and it feels like forever until it finally does. In the meantime I’m tempted to pop a different pill just to stop these feelings, but hey I’m not *that* stupid.

Saturday night, still feel like shit. Can’t sleep. Thinking about stupid bitches at work who don’t come to work to work, they come to work to cause trouble. I have to be the better person, but I want to tell them that they suck. I want to yell and scream at them. I take a Melatonin capsule this time, and around 3am I finally fall asleep.

Sunday, it’s 2.20pm, I’m sitting on the lounge in my pyjamas, crying. Why can’t I be happy? Why is this feeling enveloping me? I’m so desperate that I actually ring my doctor. Amazingly, he is working today. Not amazingly, he is booked out. I leave a message for him with the receptionist. For some reason I try to put on a bouyant, upbeat voice. I almost sing into the phone “ummm, I’m having a really bad day, and Dr C told me when I feel like this I can take a particular tablet, but I can’t remember what tablet it was.”

So now I wait for the return phone call, which I know will probably come sometime after 5pm. But I can’t leave the house in case he calls before then, and I’d been thinking that maybe I should force myself to go out. Perhaps some sunshine and fresh air might change my perspective.

I hate feeling like this.

Advertisements

1 Response to "Why can’t I be happy?"

Hugs babe. They are all I got right now.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


  • None
  • strangeapple: I don't like to fail, and I feel like I've failed. I think that's what it is. Big knock to my ego. I saw a psych the other week, she made sense, p
  • strangeapple: Holy fuck, I had a doctors appointment this evening that I didn't go to. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
  • corymbia: I do the stiff upper lip thing too. Was worried I was slipping into bona-fide depression last week, but as is usually the case with me... the bad stu

Categories

%d bloggers like this: